October 26, 2022 - I Have To Reschedule Our Therapy Session

I've felt very fortunate to have therapy sessions paid for by my health insurance recently. It started in Colorado when I was working for Vail Resorts in 2019, so I'm three years in December. Not all my sessions have been paid for, but a good number of them have, and I feel a lot different now than I did in 2019. Am I better? Cured? I don't know if I can say that empirically, but I do feel like I've been able to name the challenges more clearly. A problem named is a problem solved, is that the right wording. It feels shallow, like dude, do the work. But I do feel like I've been working, and I keep making big steps into a different space. Who knows if that space is better or holds a cure, but it's different. And feels positive.

Today's session was rescheduled by the therapist due to a family medical emergency. It was supposed to be the final session with her, the EAP only provides six sessions, 30 minutes long each, in the insurance, but at least I got the sessions and for that I'm grateful. This therapist helped me find a book called Fierce Conversations so I'm thankful for that alone, and talking with her got me to the epiphany that I'd stopped drinking for all the wrong reasons. It was good to see that so clearly. By that time I'd already gone down a path of awkwardness by not drinking for a month, working my way through awkward social situations at the local bar and whatnot. The surprising side-effect of "choosing to not drink alcohol today" was not that I found myself craving alcohol, but that I actually liked how I felt not drinking. That wasn't something I expected. Now I'm not saying I'll never drink alcohol again, I'm not saying that AT ALL. But I have liked how I feel. That's all it is. No pressure. No expectations. Just observing.

I've been laughing to myself about how I've decided to do all-the-things all-at-once recently. Working on my mental health, exercising more, cutting down on my drinking, writing more, working on my interpersonal skills, focusing on the language I use in my head and in conversations, playing more drums, skateboarding, buying a new e-bike, changing my bus route to one that drives up and down Hwy 1 during the sunset each day instead of looping through residential Paso Robles, walking by the ocean every day, flying kites, making sourdough again. All these little tasks I keep lining up for myself and repeating each week. Might as well just do it all at once.

But I'm still openly and meaningfully concerned about my isolationist tendencies and my go-to responses when faced with challenging relationship. The phrases I find myself repeating in my head most often are "Get me out of here." and "Fuck the fuck off." spoken aloud at times under my breath, especially if the bus is empty. That hasn't gone away, even with three years of therapy, that core reactionary belief that removing myself from situations and telling-off the people who frustrate me is a cure. And not just a cure, but the go-to cure. That's a real thing. That exists inside me. On the daily. The only real solace I find in that is that it's named now. It's specifically identified. But that sure hasn't made it go away.

I have a session with my Colorado therapist tomorrow morning. Little by little. Step by step.